The Psyche Of A Young Gay Man

Psy•che /’saIki/ noun (formal) the mind; your deepest feelings and attitudes

I left the organisation I gave some of the best months of my life to. Internal squabbles and personal vendettas finally had me buckling under pressure. The past few days haven’t been easy. I’ve been consumed by hatred and anger. Man, I made Hitler look harmless. The insults I threw around, the names people were called, the spiteful stunts I pulled. Terrifying stuff.

The events of the past week have me questioning who I really am. Until now, I had believed that I was a shy Arien boy with a preference for dick and a drinking problem…. But I discovered this: I’m a power-hungry Arien boy with a preference for dick, a drinking problem and control issues. Let’s explore this. The lust for power drove me over the edge. For the first time, I knew how Hitler, Lord Voldemort and Jacob Zuma felt. I just wanted total power over the now shepherdless flock that is Flamboyant. I know now that I’ve always had power. Too bad I can’t go ask for my ‘job’ back. Preference for dick pretty much explains itself……… Got a new partner… Boyfriend No #100 and something. I keep saying I’m tired of dating but I can’t seem to stay away from boys. Whenever I do, I end up wanking non-stop or being a total bitch to everyone around me. Gay boy problems ne. We should make this trend on Twitter! I realised on saturday night that I haven’t really beaten my drinking problem. I passed out on my bathroom floor after throwing up in the passage. The after effects of way too much vodka and a shot of Zappa. Love the liquoricy taste of Zappa though….. I woke up at around 11pm, went into the bedroom next door to the toilet and lost consciousness. Only regained it at 2am. Throbbing head and all, I proceeded to clean up my regurgitated Mexican Chilli potato chips. Judge me all you want…. I deserve it! Control Issues: I asked all my friends to choose between my ex and I. Well, our mutual friends anyway. This came after my overachieving whore of an ex took a position I hold dearly. Because of him, I won’t get to see the love of my life (sorry, new boyfriend, Leko’s special), I won’t get to feel like an activist again and I won’t get to prove how I’ve blossomed. So, I asked our friends to choose. I lost a lot of friends. (This has happened before, when I asked a friend to choose between his boyfriend and I. He didn’t choose but severed all ties with me. Of course, he is now back in my life)

This is by no means what I think about on a daily basis. I’m hoping Karma will deal with those mean to me. I’ve noticed that I’ve gained weight and I can’t shake off the feeling that something’s wrong with me. I need a doctor.

I don’t think I like Florence and The Machine much anymore. Found a new band: Fun. Now these lads can sing. They make me feel like my life has a soundtrack and I love it! Honestly, sometimes I ramble like a typical fag. Why am I so happy that my life might have a soundtrack? Gay Gay Gay.

Anyway, the bath water’s getting cold. I don’t want to add hypothermia to my train of thought.