It’s no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day. And no, it isn’t about how it commercialises love or whatever. It’s genuine hate on my part. I can’t tell where it started. Maybe it was back in high school when all those ignorant girls would walk around with plastic roses and teddy bears, the annual red and white casual days or maybe it all started when I realised that I’ve never actually had a boyfriend around this time. Well, except for last year. And even then, we didn’t celebrating. I might just be suffering from a case of Valentine’s FOMO, I don’t know.
Look, I don’t hate love, ne? I just think that the hype around it is overrated. The only real love that might exist is love from family and friends. Romantic love probably went to the grave with Shakespeare eons ago. Or maybe I’m just so far in bitter ex boyfriend mode and I can’t see the beauty of it all. It’s all a murky mess as far as I’m concerned.
I think the lesson for me here should be not to start relationships with Valentine’s around the corner because those are doomed to fail. The King and The Scribe prove this theory. Only Lesego was the exception to this theory (although we broke up almost a month after Valentine’s. I should start a petition asking that the Month Of Love be scrapped from our Calenders. Maybe that way, I will stop thinking love hates me in February and realise that perhaps I can’t stand love all year round. Stupid concept.
There is an old human cliché that love is ‘complicated’. Often, it is said that we cannot dictate to our hearts because the heart wants what it wants. I disagree with these notions. Yes, I’ve used them too in conversation and I’ve found myself believing them (as I tick off failed relationship #100 & something). But I’m at a point of perhaps much needed emotional growth.
Boy meets boy three years ago, boys fall in love but cannot be together because the boys are in relationships with boys. Said relationships end and boys still cannot be together because one of them is an emotional mess. One day, the boys decide to take a chance on their love which has been ‘growing’ since the day they met and is supposedly ‘undying’. Less than a month later, I’m writing this and he’s out somewhere playing the eternal victim because hey, that’s the story of his life, right?
Forgive my bitter ex boyfriend vitriol. It just hurts a bit when the alcohol has left your system. Love isn’t complicated. It’s really simple and more often than not, it is us humans who make it complicated. We get stuck in unhappy relationships, go out, cheat and fool ourselves into believing that you ‘love’ the person you’re cheating with. We convince ourselves that we’re, to quote the newest ex, “emotionally inept and damaged” and expect people to be patient with us when we’re not even putting in the effort. The heart wants what it wants, right? Wrong. In our efforts to deify the heart, we’ve kept hurting ourselves because of this line. Even if the heart did have a decision in the matter, I doubt any living thing would place itself in harm’s way because it wants something or someone it cannot have OR is with someone who it isn’t taking care of it as he/she should.
I’m learning to say “I Love You” just so the person knows what I feel. I don’t expect it back. And perhaps one lesson that’s not achieving the intended result is the one where I’m not supposed to beg anybody to stay in my life. I do this and realise later that I shouldn’t have. By that time, I’m too emotionally invested in the situation and would feel like a criminal jerk if I left.
To wrap up this ‘opinion piece’ (which is really the mindless babbling of a boy with a broken heart), I hope that I will take these lessons and use them effectively when the next guy comes along. Oh, and my plans to get married at 25 have been moved up to 27.
Love, Light and all those frightfully soppy things,