Musings at 4am: The music I get nailed to

Anybody who knows me will tell you that music is a huge part of my life. Take everything away from me, but don’t you dare take away my music. I remember once asking some thug who was robbing me to at least give me my memory card. Needless to say, he didn’t. My relationship with music started so long ago that it’s impossible to say when I realised how much I love it. I think I must’ve been one of those foetuses that respond to music in the womb. I think I realised this in 2013 when I heard a hip hop song sampling Crosby, Stills and Nash’s ‘Suite Judy Blue Eyes’. I remembered SJBE from somewhere in my childhood. I have vague memories of hearing it while driving around with my dad.

My love of music increases when I’m getting fucked. I’ve even created playlists for the deed. Even in the most spontaneous instances of coitus, I’ll reach for my phone and find something uhm, appropriate, to play.

Music makes sex better. And I mean that. When I think back on my past sexual episodes, it’s more the music than the thrusts that excite. I had one former partner who once insisted we screw senseless while Kelis’ ‘Acapella’ was on repeat. I get a boner whenever I hear that song now.

Done right, music can make sex so much better. Of course, because this is my life, it could backfire badly. There’s nothing as embarrassing as a slow Celine Dion love song coming on when you’re doing the reverse cow(girl)boy on a man you’re never going to see again or a Rihanna song coming on when a hardened (pun totally intended) Beyhive member is on top of you.

I always compile three great “I’m getting screwed” playlists. They fall in the following categories: Random Meaningless Fuck, Spontaneous Unexpected But Nonetheless Meaningless Fuck and Fucking With The Partner.

The first playlist is most likely to be filled with club bangers because you would’ve met this guy at the club or online. So yes, Kuze Kuse will likely be playing when he tenses up and cums all over your face.

The second is probably full of Frank Ocean songs and a sprinkling of Rihanna for when you need to ride. Also, Roxette is good for this playlist because he’ll stop thrusting for while when he realises that you have ‘Joy Ride’ on your phone.

And the third (and most important playlist in my books) is reserved for Lana Del Rey, Florence and The Machine, Robert Glasper (except ‘Jesus Children’. I might be an atheist but even I get turned off by mentions of deities during coitus), Lia Ices and maybe, if you’re feeling adventurous, Kelis.

Look, some people like to be screwed in total silence with only the moans and creaking of the bed (totes erotic) in the background. Others play loud music, probably to drown out the noise of the screamer (I should know). I just prefer music, not too soft, not too loud, just right.

Also, people differ. These preferences are just mine.

The next time I see the bae, I’ll be armed with a playlist.

Good Morning.

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Songs of the dead

I had such a weird thought this morning while walking to go catch a taxi to work: I wondered what song would play as I got cremated (or buried. Because black families).

The thought was spurred on by Lana Del Rey’s ‘West Coast’. The opening line alone is near and dear to me: “Down on the West Coast, they got a sayin’. If you’re not drinking, then you’re not playing”. Does that not describe me? I love how Lana gets me.

Then imagined all my friends singing along to the chorus “I can see my baby swinging, his parliament’s on fire and his pants are low” and mourners (or lack thereof. I’m not a likeable character these days) giving them dirty looks.

I then wondered what songs I’d have the people burying/cremating me play. I know Lana Del Rey is on that list, so is Amy’s ‘Back to Black’. Bjork would come in with ‘Pagan Poetry’ and Lana’s ‘Ride’ would finish the whole thing off. Hehehe. Finish off.

I mean I don’t want people singing/listening to pointless gospel songs (not a christian) or cheesy RnB songs (Aaliyah’s ‘I Miss You’ is in this category, btw) . One does hope that one’s funeral will be more of a boozy brunch than anything.

Anyway. Enough with the morbid stuff.

Good morning.

Watch out for my #TBT post later. Just reblogging old posts. 🙂

Words Spoken By Gums

So, a few days ago, while still drunk from the success of ‘Angry, Black and Gay’, I made a grand proclamation that I would blog daily for the next two weeks. Terrible idea, but sadly, so me. I’m the most unreliable person I know. I mean who excites their legion of fans (allow me) only to let them down again?

I could make (true) excuses about why I haven’t posted for the last two days, but I won’t. Just know this: This has been the most taxing three days in my young writing career. I even got my first “I’m disappointed” email from my mentor (the first of many. Failure maketh the writer I believe. Failure and alcohol.) which sent me into a short lived depression.

Let’s be honest, when you’re busy ‘hustling’ (I cringe at this word), there’s very little time to write for pleasure. I’m sorry but I LOVE my sleep. As much as I love revealing the intimate details of my life to the public, I also love sleeping, lazing around and not giving a fuck after 5pm on weekdays. No fucks are given on weekends. Well, figurative fucks, that is. The Bae knows fucks are given. LOL!

I’m being ridiculous. Please accept this as an apology of sorts. I will try and do better. But before I go, this is partly your fault, public of mine. You guys sold someone who is just a competent drunk texter with a blog dreams. Seriously, that’s all I am. A drunk texter with a blog. So when I ask you to buy me a drink, you’re really just investing in my future greatness.

Thank you in advance.

Good morning.

When It Isn’t Just A Joke: Homophobia in comedy

About two months ago, a friend and respected LGBTQIA activist sent a screenshot of this tweet, in jest, to a LGBTQIA group we’re both a part of: “Bathi Gay Police be like: “chommie you are under arrest bathong. Yho o sa bua thata, chomza coz re di berekisa against u”. I would’ve liked to call it the tweet that launched a thousand retweets rejecting and shaming this inherently homophobic and lazy sort of thinking, instead it got eight retweets and a favourite.

One of those retweets was from a gay man and although it is not clear if he was retweeting it for his timeline to see or if he approved of it, it is still disappointing because to me, it looked like he was endorsing the offensive tweet.

Then a few weeks later, a colleague and up-and-coming comedian regurgitated the same joke. He said that gay men can’t be police officers because instead of shooting suspects, they would just let them go because they’re, and I quote, “cute”.

These jokes are very problematic because they normalise police brutality (officers can’t go around just shooting alleged suspects), reinforce  stereotypical ideas about queer individuals regarding the kind of jobs queer people cannot do because of their sexuality.

These jokes are troubling because they reduce those of us who find them offensive to being individuals with “no sense of humour” because we don’t get that it’s “just a joke”.

It isn’t just a joke. In a country where corrective rape and other forms of hate crimes against LGBTQIA people are prevalent, we should not let mildly-disguised homophobia slide.

This is not a duty that should only be left up to activists, we should all be actively trying to get rid of stereotypical and troubling tropes about gay people,. I- I’m not comfortable with just laughing problematic jokes away.

What worries me, are the people who tell you to “get over it” or that “it’s just a joke” because they never want to understand where my concern and anger is coming from. I cannot just remove myself from certain situations when it suits me.

Local comedian Thapelo Tips “Shampoo” Seemise is notoriously homophobic in his skits. In one show, he told straight men to stop saying “fuck you” to gay men as gay men “expect you to.” He went on to ask where gay people come from, as he had never seen a gay comrade during the Struggle. He also seemed to think that gay men aren’t real men stating that we hate the movie “Think Like a Man” (of course we do. It was a really bad movie which reinforces patriarchy. Bye Felicia!)

These notions, these tropes that are perpetuated by famous people, contribute to society’s hatred of queer individuals. It is ignorant to assume that just because you did not see them and they’re not in our history books, there weren’t any gay freedom fighters. Read up on Simon Nkoli and Bev Ditsie.

I’m all for a good joke. I am even willing to laugh at myself once in a while. But when the joke is inherently sexist, homophobic, ableist and racist, I cannot just stand back and laugh it off as “just a joke.” It isn’t funny.

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