On Attempting To Move On: A Word

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It’s been a month. It hasn’t been an easy one but it’s been a month. And I survived. I survived the pain, the confusion, the anger.

I find myself having moments of weakness when all I want to do is confess my undying love for him and beg him to take me back. But I know that won’t work. I deserve better. He deserves better.

I keep convincing myself that I’ll stop breaking down whenever the memories come. I skip songs that I had subconsciously linked to him. I limit the number of times a day I stalk him on Twitter. I try not to look at that one picture of us that I haven’t deleted.

Quite convinced that the pain from break ups shouldn’t last this long. I’ve felt whatever I needed to feel. I’ve cried, I’ve medicated, I’ve been like Carrie Bradshaw to my friends. You know. The whole “my problems are far more important than yours”. It needs to stop. All of it.

I need to get to a point where I completely let go. Where I stop worrying and caring about him. For own sanity. I need to get to a point where I completely forget his number. It’s weird how I don’t even know my own mother’s phone number off by heart but I know his. Speaks to the stupid investments we make in temporary people.

But what’s funny is, all the time I spent loving him, I was dead sure that I had met my (first) husband. I look back at the texts and I try to pinpoint where exactly things went wrong. Sigh.

It’s time I stopped having sleepless nights wondering about what could’ve been or wondering if he still thinks of me.

Look at me trying to convince myself. Another sad night. But I’m confident these will be the last few.

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10 Reasons I Don’t Like Black Straight Men

1. Most of them do not want to learn about anything that has nothing to do with them. They then go on to comment on said topics like bloody experts.

2. Deny it all you want but most BSM feel entitled to women’s bodies. From policing how they dress to trash talk about weaves, they think their opinions surpasses those of womyn + queer + nonconforming persons.

3. Their homophobia, misogyny, biphobia and transphobia is incredibly strong. Even with self proclaimed allies. We see you.

4. Every single place with #BSM is dangerous for womyn,  queer, trans and nonconforming persons. Danger level shoots up 100%

5. They’re the first to believe and create harmful stereotypes about other groups like “gay men want all men”  or “all women need dick”.

6. When them or their defenders go #NotAllMen. Fuck outta here.

7. #BSM refuse to problematise their masculinity and privilege.

8. #BSM refuse to call out their problematic, predatory friends. Take it from someone who experienced homophobia and witnessed the ones who were quiet laughing at the slurs being thrown at me.

9. They don’t go to church regularly but will be the first to quote Leviticus or tell a womyn that the Bible/Quran/Torah (because black Muslims and Jews exist) says she/they must be subservient.

10. The way they catcall womyn and then swear at them when their advances are rejected. There’s also this common misconception by #BSM that sex is all about them.

Granted,  #BSM have suffered from systematic oppression but he still enjoys his male privilege. Unabated. He has no problem questioning queer love + identities (using heteronormative concepts of gender) bit refuses to problematise his own masculinity. Black masculinity is so fragile because most #BSM refuse to better themselves. To unlearn and relearn. I am so tired of them.

Things to consider on World Aids Day 2015

We need to stop making all talk about sex, HIV/Aids and safe sex heteronormative. Heterosexual people are not the only ones walking the planet even though they like to think they are.

We shouldn’t treat loved ones who disclose to us any differently than we normally would. Yes, being too nice suddenly counts.

When someone discloses to you,  you have absolutely no right to tell other people what they trusted you with. It is up to them to share their status with the world,  not you.

Do not force safe sex practices on everyone. It isn’t always someone’s first choice.

We need to talk even more openly about the reality of queer HIV infections. The truth is that because of the homophobia and the fragile nature of society’s interactions with queer individuals, most queer identifying people don’t get timeous treatment.

We need to stop survivor shaming. Yes, asking why somebody did not use a condom is survivor shaming.

We need to admit that stigma still exists. We might go around saying that “it isn’t a death sentence anymore” but the majority of us harbour internal stigma and fear. Education is key here.

While we’re striving for an HIV free world, we must be careful not to leave survivors behind.